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I’m a soldier because every interaction with my father is like going to war

I build a steel frame around my heart,
plant my feet,
clench my fists
and square up
ready to spar with whatever deamons keep attacking him
that attack me
that hurt me
and I’m not taking it anymore
because long before he was an alcoholic he was a swindler
and now every interaction I have with men I’m expecting to get fucked
not because his sex talk with me was:
“When you get that ooooo feeling, put on a condom”
But because he was the first man to fuck me…
over.
Snake me.
In a ring full of Poodles I’m a Pit
I’m a ravaged beast with an untamed fire of fury burning alive in me
You cannot tame me
And if I’ll go head up with him
I’m damn sure not scared of you
There’s no more hurt you can inflict on me
No pain you can give me
My father;
My pops;
My daddy;
And me.
Daddy’s NIGGA.
Reduced to Any Nigga.
but I’m a soldier
and I’m ready for war
Daughter of a swindler before he was an alcoholic.
They say I should be blessed to have a father
one who gets your brakes fixed
gives you cash
giggles and laughs
stops by your house drunk
curses you out for buying steak fries instead of crinkly…
I have no right to hurt
No right to cry
to feel pain
to be angry
Yet here I am
Not able to look you in your eyes
Staring at your chest because my 6foot 6inch father resembled a Gorilla in Rage
and left emotional scars ingrained in my brain
as he yelled
“Look at me when I’m talking to you”
so I’m a soldier
prepared for war
and there’s no way you can hurt me deeper than he’s already done
you’re throwing pebbles at a monument
and i stand tall
and I stand strong
and this colored girl refuses to be pushed to the end of her rainbow
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