Tags

, , ,


I tried to write in my journal just now. The words refused to come. Instead the tears flowed.

You know how my words get. They pulled some ‘ol uppity bullshit and decided to stage a protest. They told me to stop fronting. to stop hiding behind these artsy, intellectual, socially intriguing posts, and reopen myself for the world to see.

[drops towel]

Here I am.

Naked.

Crying.

In pain.

Alone.

A soror recently asked me how I was doing. I enthusiastically said great! That was a lie. I hate that question. If only people really knew. I’ve wanted to write a post about Fibromyalgia for so long, but never knew what to say. Is it my job to inform? Should I bitch? Am I an activist? What do I do?….

All I can do is be real.

Fibromyalgia is a bitch. She fucks me every day.

Hard.

over. and over. and over. again.

Back to my Soror’s question. How Am I Doing? What am I supposed to say? What do you want to hear?

I feel like a trapped rat.

No answer is right.

I’m great! You lie black girl.

The truth. Suck it up. [Insert generic “Keep UR head up” or “Christian” quote here] Also resulting in loss of “Hero” status assigned to those who suffer in silence with quiet dignity. New status: Complainer (Note to self: “Never ask about her health again!”)

So I sit on my island alone.

*Sorta. I tweet my other fibromites & we bitch in unison as others unfollow us.*

I just wish people knew or understood what my world looked like. It often feels as if I’m in a glass tank looking out, but no one can truly see in. Those who do, Get it. If you get it, You Get it. That’s all to be said. You simply, Get it. But when people don’t get it, the pain hurts so bad. To be called a liar, accused of faking it, constantly put on trial for not appearing to be disabled 24/7/365. How dare I. Fuck it. I wish.

I wish I could carry around a gallon ziplock bag full of a month’s supply of just my oral medication so I could pour it at the feet of each and every person who says those lines. It takes a lot of mental strength to take care of my business each day. In all honesty, I handle mine better than most non-disabled individuals. Accusing me of this bullshit is a total slap in the face, kick to the coochie, and deserves a foot up the ass.

TO ALL MY FIBROMITES:

Stand fearless and strong. When you can no longer stand, sit. When you can no longer sit, lay. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your health. Although the physical effects of Fibromyalgia are grueling, the emotional toll it takes on us is even worse. Cry. Those tears will leave your body & make more space for even more strength to come in!

Each moment we can choose to continue living or….’eh {shrug}

If you choose life, act like it’s a decision and ACT on it. Do not let Fibromyalgia hold you back from your favorite tasks. This may be a challenge to find new ways to enjoy them. I figure, I’ll be in pain sitting on my couch. I may as well be in pain doing something I love!

That’s enough for tonight.

Love y’all!

Jaz


Advertisements