I just got back into this whole reading thing. As a child I was an avid reader, but soon the only books I dared pick up where either textbooks or assigned reading. It felt great to finish two books in two days. Yesterday I read Confessions of a Video Vixen & today I read Hiding in Hip Hop. These aren’t the deepest books in the world, and I actually kind of hid the fact that I was reading them, but there’s something I find endearing to read about someone’s honest and open life journey. At one of the most confusing periods in my life, I am experiencing a moment of clarity.
I saw a bit of myself in both Korrine Stefans & Terrance Dean. Their parents heavily influenced their outlooks on life. Experiences they had in their youth that they tried to bury deep in their memories (or forget all together) often controlled the direction of their lives. They lied to themselves which meant they couldn’t be honest with others. They were their own struggle. Although I’m not a “Down Low” man, or carry any nicknames like “Superhead” with a reputation to match, I understood.
I admit, I purchased both books with the intentions on finding out who was sleeping with who. I found something so much deeper. People can say what they want to about these authors but as I flipped the pages and dove deeper into their life stories, I realized that these books were not tell-alls. They were actually life stories, and through these stories, the authors could find healing. They were well aware that by publishing these books shit would hit the fan and there would be consequences, but it was something that had to be done. I respect them.
I realized that I, like so many others, am living on the down low. Though some people may know a skeleton here and there, no one person knows all the morbid items my closet contains. When the time is right, I’ll share them with my best friend. Although I fear consequences I know that in a weird way I would feel relief if my secrets were known. I wouldn’t have to hold them in any longer. In a way I feel vulnerable like my freshly shaven doggy daughter, Faith. Now that she can’t hide behind her shaggy fur, she often curls into a ball or hides under pillows. I feel her pain. Although shaving her hair was best, it’s hard being unprotected. I’m not ready to bare my soul and be naked in the world.
Til then, I’ll find solace in these books. I’ll find peace in knowing that I am not alone. I’ll also find satisfaction that someone reading this blog will also identify with me and they won’t feel alone. They really need a hotline for this shit. They have hotlines for everything else in the world. Maybe I’ll start one up when I get rich haha! Check ya later, I gotta figure out how to deal with these freshly scratched wounds.