Hello, how are you? I know you’re recording all of our conversations so I’ll make this quick because you have me on record saying it before. I’m broke. You can’t get any money from me because I have none. You’ve absurdly asked me if I can simply borrow money from a friend or relative. How retarded do you think I am? If I could just freely borrow money, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

Your threats mean nothing to me. My credit is already fucked. I, like millions of other Americans, am facing foreclosure. I find your little bill tiny in comparison and therefore insignificant. Saying you’ll sue me doesn’t strike fear in my heart. You have yet to do it. Using legal action as a scare tactic is against the guidelines laid out for you by the government. I’d advice you stop.

I know it’s you calling from the blocked number. It shows up “Unknown.” You are the only person who calls me using that name. I’m deeply considering assigning you a ring tone. Speaking of names, I know its you by what you call me. My mother doesn’t even call me by my full name. Your friendly strategy just failed. If you want to trick me, call me Jaz.

I’ve enjoyed arguing with you when I’m in a foul mood. You help relieve my stress. Unfortunately, our hate-hate relationship must come to an end. May I please get your address, my account number, and the amount owed? I am sending you a cease & desist letter. By law, you can no longer contact me. I hope your feelings aren’t hurt. This is the best for the both of us.

Goodbye.

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